First of all...Why are you all up in my business? Oh right...I'm putting it out there. :( Well, it's complicated. I'd love to blame it on hormones, stress and just plain being busy, but the truth is, it's mostly my nutrition. aka... Butterfingers, Glazed Donuts, Good and Plenty, the occasional Twix and my arch enemy....Cinnamon rolls with raisins.
I remind Lanell often that I should be commended for actually entering these items on my food log. Lol! Isn't that worth something?! At least she's not wracking her brain wondering what's wrong.
In any case, based on the amount of sweat equity that I had put in over the 30 days, I still believe that I should have lost more. Had this been 10, heck even 5 years ago, Lanell would never have been the wiser. But with the "age factor" I eat a cracker and the front pant pockets on my slacks begin to pucker. I finally understand why women cut the front pockets out and sew the slit closed. Brilliant. But then I probably wouldn't be able to zip them. This is so very very sad.
But back to nutrition....
As any trainer worth their salt will tell you, diet is 80% or more of changing your body composition. Which is fancy "trainer talk" for losing fat and building muscle. Lol! Needless to say, I was pretty down on myself because I know that I could have done better. Although I realize it's about the journey and the fact that I did lose fat and weight is a good thing, I honestly expected a better number.
Did I say that I expected a better number, because I really really did. Lol!
I left the gym that day feeling frustrated with myself and irritated that my body wouldn't just take care of itself like in the old days. So what would do you think I did?
I rushed to the grocery store with renewed passion. I thought, "This is nothing compared to what I've overcome in my life. Paaaleeeeeze.... somebody better google me." Lol!
I walked up and down the isles, proudly stocking my cart with skim milk, natural peanut butter, non fat yogurt, fruit, vegetables, chicken and fish... "I got this." Then I headed to the bread aisle for whole wheat bread and what do you think I find there? Cinnamon Rolls. It's a conspiracy I tell you! I ignored them as I read the nutritional information on the bread packages. "I got this."
"Pssssst.... Trace." I heard a deep sensuous voice barely audible. But so deep that it's vibration seemed to connect with my inner ear sending hot shivers down my neck and then spine.
What the...? I know those Cinnamon rolls are NOT talking to me.
"Trace. What's up girl? You know you want me. Do you really think that fish is going make you feel like I do? You're just fooling yourself Baby. Come to Daddy."
Lol!! I wish I could say that I walked away, but I've always been a sucker for a smooth talker. Lolcc! I know I need help. To make it worse, I didn't just buy a 3 pack. No. I bought an 8 pack and had eaten 3 before I started my car!!!! What is wrong with me!?!
Just to recap the madness.... I busted my behind for 30 days to lose one pound. I'm frustrated as all heck. I refuse to let this happen again. I go to the store with every intention of stocking my home with healthy foods. Then I stuff my face with not 1, but 4 cinnamon rolls, costing me 240 calories EACH and I don't even want to think about the fat.
Yes, 4. God help me. I ate the 4th on the way home and gave the remaining 4 to my kids. And it was true. The cinnamon rolls made me feel much much much better than the fish. :)
Sidebar: My husband Bryan is looking at me like I have completely lost my mind. I have literally been laughing like a hyena for the last 20 minutes. My stomach is even cramping from my uncontrollable laughter. "No Banana needed, but thanks." Is it strange to laugh at your own funnies? Oh well, if I'm the only one who finds this amusing, it's still worth it. Lol! "Stop, my side!" Lol!
Now for the complicated part...
So what's my deal? Why would I so blatantly sabotage myself in this way. Lanell approached me a little hesitantly today and asked what she thought was a very personal question.
For those of you who do not know, I come from three generations of abused women and went on to enter into an abusive relationship myself. Thus my healthy relationship advocacy. I prefer not to use the term Domestic Violence if I can avoid it, as I believe that the focus needs to be on creating the positive rather than stopping the negative. The result is the same, but the energy and acceptance is different. Due to the fact that there is so little money devoted to the cause, most funding is used for rescue. And rightfully so. However very little attention is directly toward the true issue and that is knowing what a healthy relationship is, how to find it, how to maintain it and more importantly knowing when to walk away when it's not healthy.
But back to the story.
Lanell asked what I turned to when in the abusive relationship. I honestly couldn't remember but I knew that it wasn't food. I thought for a while and it hit me. Wine!! My sisters and I would drink water glasses full of "box o wine" and "jug o wine" almost every evening. Lol! Some of it was so bad that we mixed it with juice to hide the taste. Ugh...
But how can that be relevant. I might have a class of wine every 3 months or so these days. Then it hit me! Liquor is sugar! In the absence of wine, I go for sugar when I'm stressed.
And when there is no sugar, I eat crackers by the sleeve!! Hmmmmmmm......Okay so now what.....?
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